No Plot? No Problem

So yeah... I've sort of been remiss here haven't I?  I think I need to stop making announcements about how I'm going to get better at updating this blog and being all 'RAWR WATCH ME BLOG!' about it.  Its not that I have nothing to say, but like most things that have been happening to me, my desire to do something outshines my drive to actually do it.  No, its not laziness, but an actual malaise that has taken over me when ever I sit down to try and make something happen, whether its art or writing. 

I realize part of it is the social media thing.  Not that I don't enjoy social media or that I spend too much time on it (thought I probably do), but that its making me... feel like everything is useless.  There are too many injustices in the world and too many ways to offend someone.  No matter what anyone says or does, they offend or upset someone.  The hate and anger is ugly and I guess I keep feeling like whatever I do, someone is going to get upset or be offended and so I end up soft-balling things and explaining and trying to make sure whatever my opinion is, that it is as easy to swallow as possible.  Yet still, no matter, I'll get someone telling me I'm wrong or telling me how I should have said it or what have you.  Or even those who feel the need to comment even though, whatever I said or posted has nothing to do with them.

It really takes the wind out of your sail... you know?

I'm also dealing with Depression.  Are you shocked?  I can hear the sound of it through the screen.  No, really.  I heard the gasp all the way here in Nevada.

by Balloons504:
balloons504.deviantart.com/art/Art-Block-358562075

It isn't as bad as it was and I'm obviously a functioning person - I get up early(ish), get dressed, shower, brush my teeth and eat meals.  I've been functioning for years with it.  But I've had a block in my brain.  It set in place, I think about the time I moved out of Jenkintown, PA back to NJ about 4 years ago.  I don't know if the move set it off, because I'd been having trouble doing art before we left PA.  I wonder if it was due to my job situation which was not great due to losing hours at the graphic design place and financially not being able to take care of myself.  My independence was lost in many ways and I know that probably had a lot to do with it.  I haven't really been able to regain my footing since then.  I've thought that maybe that made me feel like doing art was 'frivolous' or wasn't getting anywhere and living off of other peoples' good graces was grating on my pride and soul.  I'm not looking for suggestions by the way, so don't feel obligated to try and give me an answer.  This is just how things have been.  But the block is there and forms itself in a way I have not been able to get around.

It goes like this.  I am reading or watching something and I get an idea to draw in my head.  But before I can lift myself to go do it, the drive is gone.... I can literally feel it drain out of me.  Its almost a physical thing.

Certainly I've done art.  I've done drawings and forced my way through it, thinking, "If I just keep forcing myself, I'll break through this." But it doesn't work.  I want to work as a character designer and I have taken the classes and I can feel myself get wound up and push through to do the work I have been assigned, but after?  Its like a car running on empty. The desire is there...  I want it.  I drove 4 hours to L.A. and back in a day, coming home at 3 a.m. for it!

I do know if I had a job I would do well at it.  When its for others, an assignment or a job, I'm there and I work hard and I do good work.  I take instruction and I make adjustments.  I'm a damn good employee. 

But on my own?  I feel lost.

Again, no need for advice here... just sharing this.  Unless you have a job or know of one of course.

So... yeah... I've known I've had to do something, so while going through things (because my room is a mess of boxes still from the move) I found "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty (this is the guy who started National Novel Writing Month) and is a 'novel-writing kit'.  I figured, being jobless still and not taking classes for this session, perhaps I should try doing that?  So, that's what I'm doing.

I drew something!  Go me! :D

And a few days ago, I picked up a sketch book and drew something.  There was no drain or anything, I just sat down and did it.  It was... a really good feeling... and I hadn't even started the writing sessions yet!  It was like something had broken through.  Maybe it was that I was doing something... anything... 

Today is the first day I'm doing this novel-writing.  I'll try to keep up to date on my weekly progress and maybe it will encourage me to write more on the blog, or just draw more... Just do something.    But this time no promises, no announcement that I'm REALLY gonna blog this time.  It may happen, it may not.  I'm going to be focusing on the novel writing.  I'll try to post segments and progress and adventures and all that, but maybe I'll keep it low-key.  We'll see how this goes. 

Just for fun though, here is a little segment from today's writing:

"After the standard, first thing in the morning pee, she remained sitting on the toilet, feeling like she could just sit there for a while and be perfectly happy - the upside of the small heater in the bathroom was a warm butt seat.  But of course the voice of her father saying something about getting hemorrhoids if you sat on the toilet too long always kept her from lingering.  The exception to this was when she was reading; there was no way she was going to give up reading in the bathroom. Not because she had some personal mission about it, but because, well, some days it wasn't a quick visit and then what were you going to do?  How many times can you read the back of a shampoo bottle?"

Its not meant to be perfect.  The process is just to keep writing and have hit a goal of a certain amount of words every day and that's what I'm doing... Just writing. 

I would love to hear some words of encouragement and just so you know, I can see who has read this and I'll be taking note in the future to see who to exclude from my will when I'm a rich and famous author.  You've been fairly warned.