Movies and Childhood

Yeah, been over a month since I posted last. Sorry. I did keep meaning to, but I don't know if my mental state was up to trying to write something that wasn't just me whining about things.

Since making the decision to really look for new work and moving my career forward into something, I've been up and down. Mostly down. Because I never focused on one ability or style, I left myself open to being able to do a lot of different things. This was something I thought would make me more able to be used, but it also left me floundering. It isn't conceit when I say, I can do just about anything. I've done video production, I've worked on toy design, I've done storyboarding, I've done graphic design, etc... I've done a lot of different things. And I know I am capable of learning quickly and doing more.

When I started going to job sites on the internet, I was getting tense and freaked out because they were asking me what kind of work I was looking for. It made sense because if I am specific, they can suggest the posted jobs for me. But... I had never been specific and when looking at posted jobs, it was hard to focus because I didn't know. People tried to help with suggestions but the first thing they would ask was "What do you want to do?" and I could only give a frustrated, "I don't know!" answer. It was the truth.

Then there was the fear. Looking at my resume of work, my freelancing, I wasn't sure what it all amounted to and whether it was anything that would get me a job somewhere. Was it enough experience? Was it the right experience? What was it the right experience for?

And of course, the all time favorite: The pressure I placed on myself.

I have responsibilities and people that while they don't say anything, depend on me. Where I live and how I live is dependent on my job and salary. And of course, I have my own desires for my own success... and a direction. My age has become an issue for me. Before I felt like, I always had time to do things and figure things out... But I don't feel like that anymore. I had thought that things would work themselves out, something would come along, a situation would pop up, an opportunity arise... But for the last 4 years, I don't know if they have and I missed them, or they haven't. Whatever it was, my life has not unfolded to some grander plan.

This isn't just with the work aspect. It is also with my personal life. I'm still single. I still really haven't had a relationship. Granted, I'm not dating either so I know that sort of brings the possibility of it happening waaaaay down too.

I partially blame my childhood and movies for this (Ah, you were wondering where the title of the blog would come in, weren't you?)

I grew up watching the same movies as everyone else did... And they screwed me the hell up. Movies told me, the ugly duckling would blossom and the handsome popular guy would see the true beauty inside her. Movies told me, the cute outcast would see that girl over there and woo her till they were a couple. Movies told me that it was easy to change your life and follow your dream to happiness and everything would fall in to place. Movies told me a lot of things. And then I started created fantasies in my head of how things would go in my life. Big surprise... they didn't.

Things didn't happen the way they did in the movies and I realized recently that a lot of my depression and pressure was that I thought I was doing things wrong because they weren't working out the way I thought they were supposed to. I'm not the independent working woman who is living in an apartment that is kookie and cool. I'm not catching the eye of that other cool guy or whoever and he isn't wooing me in silly ways... or we aren't meeting... or however I was thinking it was supposed to happen. My friends were meeting people and dating and doing things - following their dreams and making things happen. Of course, I'm sure it wasn't all 'movie-like' for them... but it felt like it in my head. And if it was happening for them... their lives and careers, their love... then it was me that was screwing up - right? I was doing things wrong and that's why I don't have the life I had dreamed of having.

But I have to move forward, no matter what my life has been. There are things ahead of me, waiting for me to discover, see and do. Whether I get a new job or my freelance career becomes something that supports me, things are going to change. I see opportunities. I see possibilities. Before where I felt trapped, I now see openings. I have to hold on to that and keep it in my hands.

My life CAN be good. My life WILL be good.

I just have to remember that.