A Few Words About Loki

As some of you may know, on Thursday, I had to put my dog, Loki, to sleep.  

I'd like to thank everyone who has sent kind words and support about it.  Its greatly appreciated.  I haven't posted anything about it till now because I felt I needed time with it.  I'm sorry I haven't called back the people who have called me or sent messages offering to talk if I needed, but I don't think I can.  It only makes me cry to do so, so I figured I'd try and write out things here.

In November, Loki had become sick, vomiting all night and when I took her to the vet, they were unable to find a cause and thought that maybe she had gotten an infection from eating something she shouldn't.  She recovered and we thought it was a one time thing since the blood tests, x-rays and ultra-sound showed nothing unusual.  On Wednesday, Loki vomited - 4 times during the day.  Now, it wasn't normal but from time to time, Loki would wolf down her food and water and end up throwing it back up, so I wasn't overly concerned since she seemed okay enough by the late afternoon.  Then she began vomiting from about 9 p.m. and through the night - almost every hour.  In the morning, I brought her to the vet, she was exhausted and wouldn't lay down - as if she just couldn't get comfortable.

The blood tests showed nothing that would be an answer for her vomiting, but they did give her something for the nausea and started her on fluids to keep her hydrated.  The ultra-sound and x-rays again showed nothing conclusive, but they did show that her belly was filled with gas and fluids.  They suspected that there might be a blockage somewhere but nothing was showing up.  The vet kept her overnight to see how she fared and we would get a call in the morning.  On Thursday morning, the vet said there wasn't a huge change in Loki.  She was still lethargic and her belly was still in almost the same condition.  They'd see how she did and in the afternoon we'd go in and talk about what we might do - because the next step was specialists.  About 4 p.m. I got a call from the vet and was informed that Loki had begun hacking and then having trouble breathing.  They found that she probably had inhaled some bile and had either contracted pneumonia (which happens when dogs do that) or possible cancer.  They had put her on an oxygen mask to ease her breathing.  The only next step would be expensive treatments and more tests because they still had no reason for the vomiting condition and no answers at this point.  But it was clear that Loki's condition was deteriorating.

Mom and I had spoken about this the night before and in the car on the way to the vets.  There was only so much we could do and she was an elderly dog (even if she never acted like it).  We knew that we couldn't afford expensive treatments and in the end, it may not help since we still had no causes for what was going on with her.  So, it seemed the best choice for Loki, who was not doing well and was only managing to be as comfortable as they could make her, was to let her go peacefully.  

They brought Loki in and it was clear she wasn't doing well.  I won't go into detail about it.  It was difficult to see her in distress.  She calmed down as Mom and I stayed with her and it was clear to me that she wasn't going to be okay.  

No matter how hard it was to go through, I know it was the best thing for her. 

Loki: One of the very first pictures of her

I remember the day I got Loki on an overcast day in Freehold, NJ at the mall.  Mom and I were walking around and for some reason decided to see the dogs in the pet shop (this was before I knew about the mall pet shops getting dogs from puppy mills).  Mom had a Cairn Terrier many years ago when I was very little and her name was Samantha.  Samantha was a lovely dog with a wonderful disposition, sweet personality and was obedient.  My mother fell in love with the breed from then on, but we never got another - getting mostly mutts through circumstance.  On this day, we saw a male Westie and next to that, a female Cairn Terrier - both puppies.  We decided to sit with them both in the little visiting room the pet shop had and I hadn't intended to be buying any dogs that day.  The female pup kept the male in line, not letting him get away with anything.  I tutted her behavior and she looked up at me, listening and paying attention to my voice.  The pet store clerk marveled at how she was listening to me (later we joked that was the last time Loki ever listened to me again).  A few days before I had told Mom that I was going to get a dog and name it Loki - I don't know why I said it but that day in the pet store, Mom said, "There's your Loki."  She later told me that the Mom who was with me at the Mall that day was my friend and not my parent because my parent would have given me reasons not to take that dog home, but my friend was encouraging and supportive of the whole thing.  So... I chose that Cairn Terrier and named her Loki and bought a towel from Macy's to wrap her in to get her to the car through the drizzling rain and brought her home.  

Thus began an almost 14 year relationship that has definitely been such an important part of my life.  

Loki: In the apartment in Jenkintown, PA

Those who have met Loki know that she was... an acquired taste.  She was not the most well behaved dog and could be down right stubborn - especially if she focused on something.  Her bark could pierce your skull and make your brain ache.  She'd get into things and tear them apart, or knock things over.  She scratched at carpets to 'dig up' things.  She got over excited and could nip.  She didn't like other dogs (especially after getting bitten by a large German Shepard) and was generally a pretty standard Cairn Terrier in her demeanor - which could be good or bad depending on your view.

She wasn't a particularly special dog - she didn't do anything unique or any special tricks.  Loki never saved anyone's life or performed any amazing feat.  

But Loki was cute and fluffy, with big brown shoe-button eyes and little bear feet.  Her tongue was long and pink but there was a black splotch spot on it in the back which freaked me out the first time I saw it because I was sure that she had swallowed a pen or something.  She loved people and meeting them.  One of her favorite things was to sit on laps and in our house it was a completely legitimate reason to do nothing and not help because you had a dog on your lap.  Loki gave wonderful spa facials (basically face lickings which were strong enough to clean your pores) and was a champion foot licker.  Of course, she would also lick up your nose or in your ears if given a chance.

Loki: Too adorable to stay mad at.

Loki had a lot of personality.  And where ever we lived, people remembered her, said hi to her and were happy to see her.  She loved greeting people and would stop walking to sit or lay down till whoever was walking along spotted her and took the time to say hello.  She was a complete busy body, wanting to know all the business in the neighborhood and walking her was less about walking and more about her sniffing every smell and scent to get the latest news.  

I took her to obedience classes and during a training session for a sit-stay, Loki broke her stay to run across the room to jump up into the instructor's arms and kiss his face, making him laugh as he informed us all in the most serious tone he could manage to, "Never start laughing when your dog does something like this.".  It was, Pete, the trainer, later told me, the first time he ever 'broke' during a class.  She also did 'Doggy Day-Care' at the same place and I remember parking and waiting to pick her up - there was a rule that you waited if someone was already there picking up their pet to keep chaos to a minimum.  I saw a large man getting his doberman pincer from the pen area where all the dogs were.  The doberman had a spiked collar and looked rather imposing and his owner got him into their large black SUV and drove away.  I walked up to Pete who was laughing and said, "Did you see that dog?" I nodded and he chuckled, "Loki had that dog cowed all day.  He followed her around like a puppy." That was Loki... not afraid to make her stand and get her own place.  

Loki: Those bright brown eyes

When I lived in Pennsylvania, I made a special bench for Loki so she could sit in the window and stare outside and keep track of the world.  I worked across the street so it was a good way for me to keep an eye on her.  Many people were familiar with her little face watching everything.  And I was grateful for her because that was my first apartment and really my first time on my own as an adult.  Having her there kept me from being too lonely.

In Kansas, all the maintenance staff of the estate area we lived in, knew Loki.  They would often stop whatever they were doing to come over and say hi to her.  At the very least they would wave.  Even if they were driving by, they stopped to greet her and she would be excited to see them every time.

A few years ago, when I was really sick and just stayed in bed, Loki climbed up on to the bed and lay beside me the whole time.  It was boring for her, I'm sure but she stayed there with me and I can honestly say that it helped immensely to have her warm fluffy body next to mine.

For all that she was a pain in the ass, she taught me a lot too.  Like patience.  That was a big one.  She taught me to remember to be calm.  She showed me how people interact with the world - because you can learn a lot about people by how they respond to dogs.  She was a companion for me and my Mom, but also for my Father.  When he would visit with me while I was at work, he and Loki would sit together on the couch and watch television.  He 'dropped' food for her and took her for walks.  She kept Mom company when I left to go on trips.  None of us were lonely with her.

At the age of 13 years, people were always shocked that she was 'an older dog'.  No one believed it - thinking she was much younger.  Loki was always a puppy in how she looked but also in how she behaved.  Even though she walked a bit slower than she used to, or had trouble jumping up on the bed - in her heart, Loki was young.

Loki sleeping before the fireplace in Nevada

Loki didn't like not knowing where we were.  If Mom and I were in separate rooms, she grew agitated, moving from one place to another.  She liked to keep an eye on us.  It was easiest when we were in the same room and she'd lay there, content that we were close.  She learned that barking at us loudly was not allowed and waking us up was to be done with a soft little 'wuff' which sounded more like someone clearing their throat politely than a bark, or simply staring at us till we felt the weight of it and woke up, rolling over to see two bright eyes gazing back.

Those same bright eyes greeted me every morning when I woke up and when I walked in the door.  She was always happy to see me.  No matter how hard or long the day was, knowing I was opening the door and going to see that fluffy face made it all better.  And at night, as we went to our rooms it was always with a, "Okay Loki, time for bed." and she'd get up and trot to her bed and climb in and go to sleep.  

Our lives had a pattern that involved her.  Waking up and walking her and feeding her.  Making sure we got home in time for her walk and getting her dinner and having an evening walk.  Sitting with her and scratching her.  Playing with her.  Checking to make sure she had water.  Taking her to the vet.  Getting her food.  Getting her treats.  Running around with her.  Taking her for rides in the car.  Boarding her when we had to go away. She was a part of our day to day.  

There is a Loki shaped hole that is missing that is larger than her actual size because she was such a big part of us.  It is hard to open my bedroom door and know that she won't be there to greet me.  I don't like opening the front door knowing that she won't be there wagging her tail.  Leaving, there is no one to say "I'll be back soon," to.  I won't feel her warmth by my foot as I sit in the living room.  I won't have her sitting next to me at dinner, her eyes eager and waiting to see if I drop anything.  Her body was small but her presence was huge and its left the house empty.  The rhythm of my life is off.

The last photo of Loki, taken the day before she passed

After Loki passed, the vet left us in the room with her to take our time in saying goodbye.  I didn't want to leave.  I stroked her soft hair over and over, because I knew, once I left, I wouldn't ever be able to do that again.  I wanted to memorize that feeling of her fur under my palm, between my fingers.

And now she's gone and its difficult.  Loki wasn't special in ways that could be counted by anyone else.  I don't care if no one else in the world liked her.  She was special to me and I loved her.  She gave me comfort, she made me laugh, she made me smile.  I can only hope that she knows how much she was loved.  That she was, in her heart and soul, a good girl. 

And I will be forever thankful that I got to have her in my life.